Wednesday, August 6, 2008

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblence to persons living or dead is purely coincidental blah blah blah.

Imagine, if you will, a young man. He is a bit awkward and socially alienated, and naturally resentful of those who are neither awkward nor socially alienated. When girls reject him, they attempt to do so gently, saying things like, "You're a nice guy," or "I see you as a friend." He grows increasingly bitter and envious of those higher up on the social hierarchy, like the inexplicably popular fraternity types. "Nobody likes the nice guys like me, and everybody seems to love assholes," he tells himself pitifully. Finally, he makes a decision. A decision to become one of those popular assholes. But he won't just be any asshole. He'll be the biggest, most obnoxious asshole of them all.

And so he begins on his quest to become an alpha-male. He'll have to drink a lot, of course, and treat women as disrespectfully as possible. Oh, and he'll need to insult other people and make them feel bad about themselves. That's what those other alpha-assholes do, so he'll have to be even drunker, even more disrespectful and even more insulting. At first, his quest to become the ultimate asshole doesn't seem to be working. In fact, the other alphas are just irritated by his attempts to become one of them. That's when he realizes that he needs back up. So he begins to assemble a team of followers, other alphas with "thick necked athleticism," to support him in the event that he insults someone who might actually retaliate. He becomes increasingly fixated with members of the military - the ultimate alphas, in his mind.

To his glee, this persona that he has crafted begins to get the results that he's been hoping for. He invents or exaggerates stories of his outrageous behavior, and uses them as propaganda to support his invented persona. "I am an asshole!" he proclaims, over and over. "I am a narcissist!" This, despite the fact that no genuine asshole or narcissist would ever admit that to himself, much less publicize that fact. Other, lesser alpha-hopefuls latch on to his inspiring tales. He spreads the stories first through emails, then through a website, and eventually through books. He creates a message board to gather even more alpha-hopeful followers, an army of sycophants who will feed his needy but ever-expanding ego and rally against critics and nay-sayers. He'll show them. He'll show them all. All those assholes who looked down at him. They'll be sorry when he's a New York Times bestselling author! Or, maybe they won't notice, because real alpha-assholes tend not to read much, or care what The New York Times says. But when he's a Hollywood celebrity, with his own MOVIE about how awesome he is! Then everyone will know that he is the best, the biggest asshole, the most alpha of them all.

On a completely unrelated note:

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Ahahahaha nice