Apparently I have more things to say about The Hills.

I guess it makes sense that the end of The Hills would be similar to the end of The O.C., if you lump it together with Laguna Beach as a single entity. They both lose their leading ladies, then the focus bounces around erratically for a while, with a final season of balls to the wall insanity that introduces an entirely new tone. I loved the fourth season of The O.C. for being so campy and self-referential. I'll be much more enthusiastic about a similarly self-aware and farcical final season of The Hills, as opposed to watching it continue to drift aimlessly toward oblivion.

However, revolutionary as it may be, I'm not sure I can stomach the turn Heidi and Spencer have taken toward developing a new reality genre: horror docu-soap. I feel guilty for comparing Heidi to Frankenstein's monster back when it felt moderately insightful, rather than obvious and cruel. It looks like Speidi's descending trajectory may be fascinatingly tragic, which is tragic, but, you know, fascinating.

Oh, also, The City is garbage but I love Erin and she should have her own show.

My new favorite reality show about the trashiness of the state in which I grew up.

The New York Times thinks Jerseylicious would be "mildly entertaining if it weren't so blatantly trying to horn in on the now-faded "Jersey" mania of [Jersey Shore and Real Housewives of New Jersey]."

My disagreement with this critique is based on the belief that relishing in the absurdity and unabashed trashiness of some New Jersey denizens is not, as the Times asserts, a "tired shtick," "flogged over and over again by lazy television executives." I contend that New Jersey is, in fact, deeply hilarious and sociologically fascinating, and that it is logical, appropriate, and necessary for television executives to capitalize on this wellspring of entertainment potential.

While I certainly appreciate the entertainment value provided by Jersey Shore and Real Housewives of New Jersey, these two programs barely scratch the surface of what New Jersey has to offer. Only one member of the Jersey Shore cast (Sammi, ugh) is actually from New Jersey. (Pauly D is from Rhode Island and the rest live in New York.) And while Real Housewives of New Jersey is amazing, it provides a limited glimpse at the range of outrageous personalities one is likely to encounter in the Garden State.

Jerseylicious takes place at Gatsby Salon on Route 22 in Green Brooke, New Jersey. When I was in high school, and occasionally during the summers when I was in college, I worked as a receptionist at Fine Lines & Artistic Nails, in Chatham, New Jersey, a mere sixteen miles from Gatsby Salon. So naturally, I was intrigued by the concept of the show, but I didn't necessarily have high expectations for a "comedy docu-soap" on the Style Network. But, I swear to you guys, it is seriously compelling. Until the most recent episode, I was uncertain as to whether the show's appeal would translate to wider audiences that lack a thorough understanding of regional culture and customs, and as such, I was hesitant to blog about it. Now, though, I can confidently endorse Jerseylicious.

What brought on this onslaught of enthusiasm, you might ask? Well, last night, one of my television yearnings was fulfilled when two of the most stereotypically Jersey girls I have ever seen received a rather harsh makeunder from Edward Tricomi himself at Warren-Tricomi Salon in Manhattan. I could attempt to describe it, but no matter how many superlatives I used, I'm not sure that you'd completely believe me. So I have to show you:

That is just one of the more satisfying segments of last night's episode, which was almost entirely focused on the deconstruction of these girls' self-caricaturization.

In anticipation of your arguments, I will point out that, yes Olivia bears a strong similarity to Jersey Shore's Snooki. HOWEVER, Snooki, amusing and endearing as she is, is from MARLBORO, New York. In other words, not anywhere near New Jersey! Whereas Olivia is a real deal Jersey girl, through and through. Jersey Shore may have aired first, but really, Snooki is biting Olivia's style (indirectly, obvs).

Although Jerseylicious is by no means a comprehensive examination of what it means to be, well, Jerseylicious, it does uncover a few more layers of the amazingness that is New Jersey.

P.S. Just for the record, at this point in my life I would sooner cut my own hair than go to any salon in New Jersey, because I am a humongous snob.

This is what I think of the Jersey Shore cast.

I adore Snooki. Sometimes I worry that she's beginning to grate, but she wins me back over almost immediately. I do wish she would allow herself to be groomed more flatteringly.

At first, I found The Situation amusing and almost charming, but he has gradually revealed himself to be a deeply tragic figure, which was an interesting development, but it's becoming a downer.

Ronnie is extremely sensitive, extremely shallow, and extremely silly, which turns out to be an endearing combination.

Sammi is an hysterical drama queen who tries very hard to come across as sweet and laid back.

JWOWW is basically awesome, but it's a confusing, slightly uncomfortable kind of awesome.

DJ Pauly D looks like such a tool at first glance, but upon closer examination, he's funny and charismatic in an authentic sort of way. That kid's going places, mark my words.

Vinny is too much of a normal human being to be a good television character, but he does occasionally contribute unexpectedly entertaining commentary.

Angelina has an appallingly inflated opinion of herself, and would not tolerate having her delusions challenged.

Mad!

Last night's Mad Men made me mad, for two reasons. First of all, I was a little upset to find that our DVR had cut off the last five minutes. But more importantly, what the hell, people who built Madison Square Garden on top of Penn Station? I have spent so many hours of my life sitting in Penn Station. Like, seriously, so many hours. Because I always get the timing wrong and wind up waiting forty-five minutes for the next off-peak train back to New Jersey. And I'm always so jealous of Ed because his parents live in Westchester and he gets to take Metro-North to and from Grand Central. I would love to have spent all those hours waiting in glamorous Grand Central instead of hideous Penn Station! Fuck those assholes who tore down the old Penn Station and built Madison Square Garden. They suck.

My Lost babies theory.

I've been ruminating on the pregnancy problems that occur on the Lost island for some time now. I read a few different recaps every week, including the esteemed Doc Jensen's analysis on EW.com. But although I think that my particular theory is fairly simple and obvious, I have yet to see it espoused by anyone else. So here it is. If you don't want to wade through all the background information, just scroll down to the paragraph that begins with, "Okay, so here's my theory" in bold. (Spoilers, obviously. Don't read this if you are behind on your Lost episodes.)

We know that when women get pregnant on the island, there are problems. The Others brought Juliet, a fertility doctor, to the island in the hopes of resolving these issues. When Juliet began studying and treating pregnant women on the island, she discovered that during the second trimester, the pregnant woman's white blood cell count would plummet, and her immune system would appear to attack the fetus. After roughly 100 days of pregnancy, the woman would die. Juliet theorized that this problem occurred at conception, and suggested taking a subject off the island to test this theory, but Ben rejected the idea.

When Oceanic Flight 815 crashed on the island, Claire was already pregnant. Ethan kidnapped Claire and brought her to a medical facility, where he observed her and gave her drug treatments. Claire escaped and eventually gave birth to baby Aaron without complications. This seemed to support Juliet's theory that the pregnancy problem occurs at conception.

When Juliet discovered that Sun was pregnant, and had conceived on the island, she warned Sun that if she remained on the island, she would die. Sun later escaped the island and gave birth to a healthy baby in South Korea.

In "LaFleur," Amy, a member of the Dharma Initiative, was supposed to be transported to the mainland to give birth, but she went into labor two weeks early. Juliet was reluctant to assist her, given her previous failures to save the lives of pregnant women on the island. Since they were back in 1977 at the time, Sawyer suggested that whatever had caused the pregnancy problems might not have occurred yet. He persuaded Juliet to deliver Amy's baby, which she did, successfully. This seemed to support Sawyer's theory that some event would later occur on the island, which would cause pregnant women to die.

Okay, so here's my theory: I think that Sawyer and Juliet were both wrong. There was no event that caused these pregnancy problems. I think that normal human beings have always been able to conceive and give birth on the island. Sun could have given birth on the island, and she and her baby would have been fine. Juliet incorrectly assumed that some sort of birth defect occurred at conception because she was only monitoring pregnant Others. I think that that these pregnancy problems are only an issue for the Others, not for normal human beings. I don't know if the Others are ageless or ghosts or zombies or aliens or what, but they are not normal human beings, and that is why they can't reproduce.

If my theory is correct, it would explain the Others' habit of stealing normal, human babies. When Danielle Rousseau gave birth on the island, the Others stole her baby, and Ben Linus raised Alex as his own adopted daughter. When Flight 815 crashed, the Others kidnapped several of the survivors who had been in the tail section of the plane, including the children. The Others kidnapped Claire and apparently intended to cut her baby out of her before she escaped. They also kidnapped Walt. In "The Brig," Ben revealed that Juliet had infiltrated the survivors' camp in order to determine whether any of the women were pregnant, so that the Others could kidnap them.

Finally, in the most recent episode, "He's Our You," Amy, who has just given birth, seconds Radzinsky's suggestion that they kill Sayid. She justifies this position by explaining that she considers Sayid, who she believes is a Hostile, or Other, to be a dangerous threat, specifically to her newborn baby and the other children. This fear seems reasonable enough, if Sayid really were a Hostile/Other. Her newborn baby is named Ethan, and if he is the same Ethan who we have already met as an adult, then the Others do eventually kidnap him and raise him as one of their own.

Tonight's episode, "Whatever Happened, Happened," centers on Kate, who recently gave up Aaron under mysterious circumstances. I have a feeling that the Others' pregnancy problems and baby stealing tendencies will continue to be relevant in the gradually unwinding plot of Lost.

I will not be deterred by Demetri Martin's aggressive marketing campaign.

As you may have gleaned from this blog, Ed and I watch a fair amount of television. And lately, we have been seeing a lot of commercials for this new Comedy Central show, Important Things With Demetri Martin. Yesterday, I read an article about Demetri Martin on NYMag.com. The article described his new show as "reminiscent of Chappelle’s Show, except without the racial edge—as if Dave Chappelle were a white guy who went to Yale and was obsessed with palindromes." So that sounds promising, right?

I suggested to Ed that we should check out the show when it premieres. Ed wasn't too thrilled with my suggestion, since he finds the commercials pretty irritating, but I told him about the article and he agreed to give it a chance.

Then last night, he was flipping through the channels and I happened to notice that Demitri Martin's Comedy Central special was about to start. Tuesday is the one night of the week when there is nothing good on, so we watched it, and I found it hilarious. Ed liked it, too, but probably not as much as I did. We were both reminded of a dorky version of Mitch Hedberg, which is definitely a good thing.

So his new show premieres tonight, and today, Gawker and Jezebel are absolutely coated with ads. I have high hopes and I'm looking forward to watching it tonight, as I try to settle down after a new episode of Lost. But all this hype is sort of grossing me out. I feel like this guy's been in my face all week! I'm getting sick of him already, and I haven't even seen his show yet! Cool it, Comedy Central!

Grow up.

Lily and Rufus are easily the most immature characters on Gossip Girl. In other news, I didn't watch any MTV whatsoever last night. I felt so free and clean when I woke up this morning!

Oh my. A Gossip Girl rap.

Monday Night Television Extravaganza doesn't usually hurt this much.

I never had any intention of watching Bromance and I wasn't particularly optimistic about The City, but Ed and I are in the habit of watching a week's worth of television every Monday night, and since none of our normal shows were on, we sort of wandered over to MTV and got sucked in by the combined horror of Brody Jenner and Whitney Port.

I only saw the second half of Bromance, but that was so much more than enough. I've grown accustomed to watching flimsy young women primp and prance in a desperate, clumsy struggle to win the favor of the resident queen bee. It's always pathetic, but it's such a common phenomenon, I think we're all inured to it at this point. Seeing guys do the same thing, though...well, it's new, which makes it harder to stomach. Watching Brody Jenner luxuriate in the role of the queen bee was creepy, to say the least. He's adopted Paris Hilton's "tell me I'm pretty and bask in my reflected glamor" shtick, which is weird enough to begin with, but he's thrown in a strong emphasis on objectifying women, naturally.

So last night, the competing "bros" were challenged to wrangle two sufficiently attractive women in order to gain access to a nightclub. Once they made it into the party, each was required to give a toast, celebrating Brody's general awesomeness. Later, Brody reclined in a large jacuzzi and arranged his potential "bros" in a row, pressed shirtlessly shoulder to shoulder in the water. He evaluated each "bro" based on some vague criteria and cast the least desirable "bro" out of the house, ostensibly because the rejected "bro" was a sloppy drunk, but really because his fedora and facial hair made everyone want to punch him in the face. (Myself included.)

The familiar fusion of homoeroticism, hyper-masculinity and misogyny is always revolting, but Bromance really takes it to a new level. It made me sad and embarrassed for men, and also sad and embarrassed for women. So many women are taught to believe that their value lies solely in their sexual appeal, and men have learned to believe that their value is determined by their ability to lure said sexually appealing women. So here we have a cadre of meatheads competing to demonstrate their sexy women luring abilities in order to win the love of another man. Gross, and not an entertaining kind of gross. Just gross.

As for The City, I didn't have high hopes for Whitney's ability to carry a show, because she is so very boring. But I thought there might be potential for the other characters to be interesting. I miss New York, and I miss the sort of people one tends to find in New York, and I thought I might enjoy watching New York people do New York things. But instead of making the premise more entertaining, the setting actually made The City far more difficult to watch. On The Hills, all the awkwardness and the tension and the fighting is silly and cute. It's like watching kittens fight. On The City, though, it's like we went from playful kittens to middle school mean girls, which is considerably more upsetting and less fun.

And, as I wrote last night during the show, I think that these new characters are just too self-conscious to make the staged reality format work. Lauren Conrad has a genuine talent for being utterly herself on camera. She doesn't seem to consider how she is being portrayed, or how she might intentionally skew the narrative. The other characters on The Hills do attempt to exert control over the storyline, but they are so laughably inept that reality shines through. The City, I think, will probably always feel less real and more staged, because the characters are so obviously thinking about how they wish to present themselves, and how they might secure a larger role and more time on screen.

Fortunately, Gossip Girl is back next week. Oh, and speaking of which...Olivia Palermo, you will never be Blair Waldorf! You can be pretty and rich and bitchy and wear headbands all you want, but we love Blair because she is witty and interesting, which I doubt you will ever achieve.

Apparently I'm unintentionally liveblogging MTV tonight.

Um, I am also deeply offended by this extended preview for Bride Wars. So now I'm contemplating, is Bromance a bigger embarrassment for men than Bride Wars is for women? I'm leaning toward Bromance being the bigger embarrassment for men...but only slightly.

I thought The City might be good because people in New York would be more interesting than people in Los Angeles. But it looks like people in New York are too self-conscious to pull this off at all.

Disappointment.

Monday night television extravaganza was kind of a let down yesterday. Gossip Girl, blah. (Also, memo to Josh Schwartz, you're only supposed to recycle the good parts of The O.C., not the stupid stuff that nobody liked.) The Hills, blah. Heroes, um, excuse me, but how is it even remotely plausible that the fucking comic store guys were the only ones to even consider the possibility that EVERYONE'S FUCKING POWERS WOULD OBVIOUSLY COME BACK AFTER THE ECLIPSE WAS OVER? And How I Met Your Mother was a repeat.

I miss Lost.

Gossip Girl would be better if I were consulted.

Lately I'm getting the feeling that the people who write recaps for Gossip Girl put more thought and attention to detail into the show than the actual writers. I love Gossip Girl, but I would love it even more if they actually managed to capture the tone and enthusiasm and depth of feeling that the recaps often achieve.

I do think that the last couple of episodes of Gossip Girl have been ambitious, which I appreciate. Last week I was impressed by the thematic consistency of the various plot threads, all involving different characters using each other, being used, or both. And this week, it really seemed like the writers were carefully orchestrating a series of explosive confrontations, but then instead, each dramatic turn just quietly fizzled out. It seems like there is so much potential in every episode, but it is usually squandered by sloppy writing.

If I had my way, the characters' back stories and defining traits would be more consistent. Their personalities should drive the plot instead of conveniently fluctuating in service of the plot. Seriously, if the audience can remember the various nuances of each character, the writers ought to be able to do the same. I'm getting tired of the mental gymnastics required to make each characters' actions feel plausible.

Nate can't even remember why he was mad at Chuck or Vanessa in the first place. Vanessa and Dan desperately cling to their moral high ground, yet they never refrain from engaging in their own inept attempts at manipulative scheming. Dan is clearly a terrible writer, and yet he had a story published in the New Yorker and famous authors are willing to mentor him? Eric vanishes completely, only to reappear whenever someone else needs a sidekick. Chuck loves Blair but doesn't bother to attend her 18th birthday party? He begs for his father's trust, affection and attention, then breaks into Bart's safe and exposes secrets that drive away his new wife and stepchildren? Blair agonizes over Cyrus Rose becoming her new stepfather but displays utter indifference toward her future stepbrother? Bart knows the intimate details of Eric's love life before Eric does, but he doesn't recognize the extent of Lily's current relationship with Rufus? Or the fact that Dan was investigating him for an article? Jenny watches Agnes burn her dresses without attempting to stop her or slapping her in the face? Aaron makes grandiose, elaborately planned romantic gestures before becoming interested in an actual relationship with Serena? And then out of nowhere, abruptly announces that he is ready for monogamy?

Serena is actually the only character whose inconsistency no longer bothers me. At the end of last week's episode it became apparent that her personality is so weak and flimsy that she basically just reacts to the people and events around her, while having no core values, interests, goals, or deeply rooted traits of any kind. I guess that's why everyone finds her so charming all the time, because they can just project their own personalities on her.

Don't get me wrong, Gossip Girl is fabulous, but it's also frustrating because I know it could be so much better.

Notes on Gossip Girl and reflections on The O.C.

I had never seen an episode of The O.C. until early last summer. I watched the first couple of episodes online, immediately became hooked, and bought all four seasons on DVD in rapid succession. If I had watched it on television, I probably would have gotten bored and possibly lost interest during the second or third season. But I was able to power through the entire series in less than two weeks, which is fortunate for me because the fourth season was my favorite by far. It was campy, it was self-aware - it was everything I've ever wanted in a television show! This past winter, I introduced Ed to The O.C. and we watched the whole series together. While watching the show for a second time, I was more attuned to the gradual transition in tone, as the irony and self-parody became more overt. I loved that transition. And yet, even at the end, when the show was utterly ridiculous and farcical, it maintained a sense of sincerity. No matter how absurd the characters became, the audience was still expected to care about them.

So I'm thrilled to see that Gossip Girl has already embraced this tone, without making any real attempt to be subtle or gradual about it. (Which I think is good, because while I enjoyed the evolution of The O.C., some viewers misread the ever decreasing realism as a drop in quality.) I just adore the almost uncanny sense of self-awareness that both shows exhibit. It feels as though, as the show goes along, it knows that you're watching it, and it's anticipating your reactions, and it's in on the joke. So the audience is laughing along with the show, at the show. It creates this sensation that the television show is your friend. (Kind of, in a sense. Whatever, don't worry about it, I have real live people friends, too, okay!!!)

Also, this genre isn't exactly fresh. Not only have all the "attractive teenagers getting into trouble" narrative threads been rehashed over and over on countless television shows, but they have also occurred over and over in actual high schools. The fact is, teenagers' lives tend not to be particularly unique, even if the teenagers in question are fictional and exceptionally wealthy and attractive. And yet we find teenagers, especially fictional, wealthy, attractive teenagers, endlessly entertaining, because adolescence is a tumultuous and formative time in everyone's life, which makes teenagers inherently interesting. So why not take those familiar high school themes and send them completely over the top, why not simultaneously mock and indulge them? Most of the best television shows about teenagers do this to some extent, but Gossip Girl pushes the silly self-parody so much further.

So far this season, things are looking pretty indulgent indeed, especially for Blair. (And since I can't help but see Blair as the protagonist, the show feels indulgent to me, too.) Last season, we saw Blair as Holly Golightly. In this last episode, she got to be Scarlett O'Hara. Oh, and she's dating a Lord while Chuck seethes with envy and plots to win her back? Blair basically gets to embody the fantasies of every girl, ever. Or, at least, every moderately imaginative, slightly prissy, somewhat cultured and/or well-read girl ever. Who does she get to allude to next? Juliet? Cleopatra? And she gets all the wittiest lines! (There were so many amazing and hilarious lines in this episode, I really wish I had a DVR already so I could quote them verbatim!) Although, speaking of Blair's relationship with the Lord, I am having such a hard time persuading myself that Marcus and Catherine are not some sort of con-artist couple. The fact that Catherine gave money to Nate and is a friend of his mother indicates that I am probably wrong about this, but I just cannot accept that they are actually a Lord and a Duchess. It's probably just because Patrick Heusinger, the actor who plays Lord Marcus, is so ridiculously unconvincing in this role.

Let's see...It's cute that Nate is getting a little bit of plot. The show is so explicit about the fact that he is pure eye-candy. It's great. Chuck needs to lose his creepy new hairstyle. I think Jenny's Project Runway themed plotline is fun. I don't care about Dan and Serena, because Dan is pompous and annoying and Serena is just too consistently goodhearted and well-intentioned to be interesting. But they may as well get back together sooner rather than later, because they are more appealing as a couple than as individuals. Oh, also, Jitney sex, gross, of course. Rufus and Vanessa flirting is also gross, of course, but I don't really care about them, either. Eric is fun. Dorota is fun. Watching silly and indulgent television is fun. Yay, Gossip Girl.

I'm glad Gossip Girl is so good at product placement. Hopefully that will generate enough profit to keep the show on the air for a few seasons, even if the ratings are lackluster. I'd rather see the show "sell out" with elegant and well-integrated product placement than by altering the tone of the show in an attempt to appeal to a broader audience.

Yes!!!

Anyone who doesn't believe that Gossip Girl and The Hills are the best shows on television just isn't as smart as I am. Yeah, I said it.

Last week, I found The Hills season premiere a little underwhelming. But after last night, I'm reconsidering my initial reaction. It wasn't you, The Hills, it was me. You were gone all summer and we drifted apart. I was doing my own thing, and it's not that I forgot about you, but when you came back it felt sort of sudden and I guess I just wasn't ready. At first, all I could do was enjoy you on a shallow, superficial level. But I could tell that something was missing and I was so arrogant that my first instinct was to blame you. When I saw you again last night, though, I realized that it was my fault all along. I just wasn't emotionally prepared to appreciate you in the way that you deserve to be appreciated. You're amazing, and I'm so sorry for failing to recognize that for a minute. I won't let it happen again.

As for you, Gossip Girl. Wow. Just...wow. You blew my mind last night. It's like you spent the entire summer pondering your cultural relevance and then said to yourself, "Okay. If that's really what people want, that's what we'll give them." There were some questionable moments and yes, you were "slightly off-tone." But that's okay with me because I think I understand what you were going for and I like it. The new star of Gossip Girl is the aesthetic sensibility, and I think that's fucking awesome. I could barely concentrate on the actual story because I was too busy just gazing at the pretty pictures. If the second season premiere of Gossip Girl were a fashion spread in W magazine, I would tear out all the pages and hang them on the walls of my apartment. Be as stylized and ridiculous as you want, Gossip Girl, and I will just love you more and more.

Last night's onslaught of awesomeness totally overwhelmed my critical thinking abilities. I need to watch both episodes again before crafting a more thoughtful and specific response. (Ed and I are currently looking for a new apartment. After we move, we're going to get a flat screen television and DVR and it will totally revolutionize my blogging.) In the meantime, for more Gossip Girl discussion I highly recommend the New York recap, which is invariably fabulous. And for The Hills, if you haven't already come across Songs About Buildings and Food, you absolutely must check it out immediately. Somehow, I only discovered it last week, and I haven't had time to really delve into it yet, but it's basically the most thorough and wonderful blog about The Hills that I could ever imagine.

No!

Fanny Pak was robbed. "America's Best Dance Crew" is dead to me.

VH1's The Drug Years is awesome.

The Drug Years on VH1 is really well done. It's such a tumultuous story of a major aspect of contemporary culture for the past several decades. Considering the history of drugs in the United States gives you such an interesting and revealing perspective on the overall zeitgeist. I am a big dork when it comes to history and drugs and the evolution of the zeitgeist. This documentary is getting me awfully fired up and idealistic. (Of course, I'm so postmodern that when I get idealistic, I do it in a cynical sort of way.)